damn...do i still know you? (for a friend that i know no more...)

i dont know you anymore...

you were, at one time, like this...then suddenly becomes another at another time...

you were like sunshine to my eyes, only to find out later that you had become more of a void in the darkness...

you were my friend some time ago...but by the fact that you're acting that way, can i still call you like that?

you said that you'll be there, but in times that i needed you, where were you?

i hate to think that youre making a fool out of me...but are you?

you said you miss your friends...but you are too busy with your new ones...

i dont know you anymore...

i just hope, that sometime...ill see the friend i once knew....

this is @* &$#&@*! dreaming of things that may never happen anymore...

would that happen? tell me...

TELL ME!

my immersion experience

I feel different kinds of emotions right now…

I cannot predict if what I feel now would still be the same…in a few hours, in a few days…and so on…

But what I can make sure of…is that what happened to me that day…September 24, will change my life forever…

I can recall a few weeks back before our immersion, I felt excited and anxious about it. I even prepared a small talk for the group that we will be with for that day, just as what my classmate asked me to do. (Sadly, though, I was not able to give it to them, due to time constraint). We were also asked to prepare something to give to the children of the SOS Children’s Village. All I had were some holy cards (stampitas) as well as a rosary. I thought that would be enough…but I was wrong.

I had been materialistic that time, in the sense that I was only thinking about the externalities that I may give to them. But two days before that date, I had a “reality check” (thanks to a co-seminarian), and realized some things that I would late be using in the immersion.

I understood that what we would do is not mandatory or obligatory, just because it is in our schedule, but it is more of a SERVICE.

I understood that when I will talk to them, I should remember that I cannot be in front of Him…He is the one we are trying to share, not ourselves.

I also understood that I must be the one who must go down to their level and understand them, not them to go up to understand me.

I also understood that I can never give them something that I myself do not have…if I do not have God in me, how can I give Him to them?

I understood that I am a vessel of God’s message to others, and I have to do it, not because of obligation; but because of love.

These are only some of what I understood back then.

The day came and before we left the seminary, our Prefect, Fr. Jay, gave us some guidelines and advices for what we will be doing the whole day. He reminded us that we must not take pride of who is speaking in front of the group. But above all, it is Him that we should give to the children, His Word and His Love. We are the messengers of God; we are the vessels of His Word.

I forgot to tell…I had some presumptions of what I would be seeing in the place where we will have our immersion. But some of those were wrong. Anyway…

I have to admit…I feel sorry for myself.

Also, I have to admit, I feel blessed as well because I was given the chance to share my life with them…

I feel sorry for myself that I was not able to get along well with them. I was so sad that I cannot completely commiserate with them. I feel so guilty that I cannot feel the pain that they had shared, just because I was not able to feel those when I was young. I never felt that I was rejected by my parents, or even abandoned. I was not able to feel the cruelties of the adults, or being someone who’s begging in the dangerous streets, where passing vehicles passed by. I was not able to feel extreme poverty and hunger…I wasn’t able to feel the pain and sorrow that they had felt.

I can recall one boy who shared his story with us. He said that when they were young, they were not poor. Eventually, they dropped and his mother left them, while his father ended up begging in the streets. We asked him if he still wants to see his parents, and he answered that he only want to see his father. How about his mother? He told us that he hate his mother! I felt a stab in my heart hearing that. I understand that he felt that because his mother left them and had another family, but hating won’t change it. However, I do not want to sound like a hypocrite to him, so I just listened, and deep inside, I can only say, “I understand…I am here…God is here…”

On the other hand, I feel blessed that I had the chance to see and feel what it’s like to be with them, and to be somewhat like them. Those hours that we spent in the SOS Children’s Village were so meaningful and fruitful. We had our share of laughs, joys and jokes. But we also had times when we had to sit down, be quiet and reflect on God’s Word.

With that immersion, I came to realize that this is what I would do in the future. I will serve God and the other, in any way I can, and in every opportunity I have. Just like the house aunts and uncles are doing to their “children”, I would also do to the children of God. This is just a preview of what I hope to be. Oh! How I long to see the day when I can be a PRIEST!

This immersion we had gave me the strength to persevere in my vocation. It would be hard, I know. But with the help of God, as well as memories such as our immersion, I know I can make it. I just hope, at present, that I was able to impart to them Christ, because they have given a lot to me!

my experiences in a timeline...(what happened to me these past few days...)

July 29...i got home for my short home visit.

July 31...i visited some friends in muntinlupa...and on my way back...i was robbed
...my cellphone and money were taken away...but i'm glad i'm still alive

August 19...our linggo ng wika presentation here in the seminary...
...i got included in the production number...i sang "manila" and "noypi" (kinaya ko yon?)
...that was also the time when i had to spit gas on a torch...creative dance, flame-thrower effect...(i drank almost half of that kerosene i put in my mouth!)
...i was awarded 3rd place for the essay writing competition..(first time? yah...)
August 21...community jogging...woke up by 4:30 in the morning and came back by 7:30
...my body ached all over...

i'll be updating...

what and why?

what is love?

what is life?

what is pain?

what is justice?

what is truth?

why is there suffering?

why is there crime?

why is there evil?

what is....what is...why is...why is...

i always ask these things in this changing world...but lately, i have asked myself...

WHO AM I?

"not yet understanding life, how can you understand death?" -Confucius

hiding...and showing...

Lies…and Light

Should I hide myself
to someone I do not know?
Should I continue to live a lie
that someday would finally show?

How long shall I conceal myself
under the dark room of secrecy?
Am I just afraid of the truth?
Am I living inside my fantasy?

I know…people know me
A different me in every place
But how if they fin’lly know who I really am?
Should I still be able to live…in shame?

I need to get out…out of this misery
For I fear…that this would break me.
I need to face myself…face what is right
And I pray that…the truth will be my light!

poem of a sad person in love...and lost...(that's me!)

My Friend…I’m Sorry

I want to go back
To the moment you said “Hi!”
But my heart doesn’t want
Coz’ I’ve hurt you so much
And made the deepest wounds inside

All that I had expressed
Is everything that I feel
But…hope turned to fears
Laughter turned to tears
And broke my heart… to pieces

I had this feeling
I never thought I could have
Those memories I kept
That made my lonely days bright
Are replaced by clouds bringing fear

I know, people come and go
Fall, spring and winter flow
My days turned to gray
But my friend, I would like to tell you this…
I’m sorry…Goodbye…
“Til then…

an angry moment...

it seems like the people around me are so....pessimistic!

ok...i admit, i am a strict kind of person, but i only do it when i had to...

who on earth would be happy if you know that some of the people around you are not following you?

i am a chairman of one of those committees in the seminary that is both tempting...and difficult to handle. that is because, i handle the computers around here...

i do not like to happen what happened in the past year...

can't they see that?!

okay, i'll try to leave them and do what they want for a while...and i'll see what comes of them...

would they be happy, or would they get messed up?

oh well....

Very busy....

whew!

ever since i made it back in the seminary after my summer vacation, i can't help but wonder...

will i have a chance to take some time off?

well, i'm not complaining though...

you see, since i came, my superiors has given me many tasks to accomplish...with so little time.

I can, i am always saying to myself, even to the point that even my body is exhausted and my mind cannot even think of a concrete decision...

But now, i finished my job...and i need to take some rest, 'coz i know this would not last long...

"it is not only me who works everytime i use all my faculties, because someone up there, is my guide..."

Celebration…Post-Birthday Celebration!

My birthday is May 19 and unfortunately for me, that date fell on a Thursday this year. There are some reasons why I am sad that day, and though it may refresh those sad things again, I would like to share those reasons on why I was sad then.
First thing might be the fact that I am celebrating my birthday in a new and different place. I can still remember that I had my birthday last year in our former home in Muntinlupa, and for this year, it is quite lonely for me to spend that day away from those I have known for so long. Ok, I admit that some of them sent me messages via mobile phones, and some have sent me messages through their e-mail…but I feel that there is still something lacking from it. I was also sad because of the reason that the people that I had expected to remember my natal day was unable to remember it. In fact, when I called them about four days later and asked them if they had forgotten something, they told me nothing. That just broke me!
Another reason that I felt quite sad on that day was because of my guilt and sorrow on something that I did days earlier than my birthday. I blew up something important and I admit that I was not quite ready for doing that sort of thing. I do not like to share that matter anymore…that makes me much more sorrowful in it.
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I asked my parents if they would allow me to celebrate my birthday in our new home. They asked me on who am I going to invite, and thank God, I already have friends here…I just remembered that then. I remembered that I was already part of our parish Youth Ministry. And no need to say, they were the ones I decided to invite on that occasion. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I forget my pals back on my former home. I called some of those of which I still have contacts with, and asked them if they would like to come. But unfortunately, among those that I had invited, merely a fraction of them came…but I am still grateful for that.
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Two days after my birthday, that is, May 21, I decided to have that little celebration. Luckily, that was also the day when our Youth Ministry decided to have a little splash on cool waters. In the afternoon of that same day, we met at our usual meeting place and went to Tropical Palace. We spent some time cooling off on the pool and at around 6 in the evening, we decided to pack up and proceed to our next destination: our house!
We arrived and waited for our other co-members and started partying at about 7. Dinner as usual and some singing in the Magic Sing…while my friend Gino and Joe prepare something to heat up the bit of showery evening (because there was some rain back then). Later in that evening, my co-celebrant Cyndee arrived with her yummy pasta. Shortly after her, my good friend Tis arrived, just from work.
Some of those who were present back then were as follows: Ate Jai, Ate Mishy, Ate Tis, Ate Cyndee, Jenny, Joe, Martin, Matt, Gino, Fatima, Ate Jho, D.A., Kuya Bryan (from the Youth Ministry), Majing, Ate Bem and Kuya Ron (from my former choirmates in Muntinlupa).
We ended up at around 3 in the morning…quite tired, but in general, I felt that I was happy!

just checking...

just checking if my procedures are correct and online...i'll start blogging as soon as...



as soon as...



i can...