compilation

I

My mind’s restless, telling me to write down my thoughts.

Yet my thoughts are too scrambled to be written.

I am typing words which should not be, thinking about thoughts which must never be.

I would slowly grasp words from my head, and try to gather as much thought that I could make up of it.

What is then the reason that I post these words?

Is it just because I have little to do? Or is it just for me to think that my mind’s still working, fearing that it doesn’t anymore?

Is it because I want to brag about how I think? Well, I’m really sorry, I don’t.

Is it because I’m just trying to express my thoughts and ideas in form of words, which I myself could not contain or even create?

Why then? I go…

II

I guess I should be happy, but the truth is, I’m not.

I guess I should be contented with what’s happening, but, I’m not.

I guess I should be open about my life, but sheessh…not everyone really deserves to be trusted.

I guess I should be more responsible for the things that I can do, not on things that other people pushes me to.

I guess I should be more attuned with myself, but even as I speak, I’m not.

I guess I should not be conceited in things that must not be seen as one-sided, but there are times that I fall in it.

I guess I should not try to judge myself and others to be limited as such, but hey, sometimes I do.

I guess I should not belittle myself and compare myself to others, coz I am not them in the first place.

I guess I should not meddle with other peoples’ businesses, much as what other people do.

I guess I should not be too proud of myself, coz I think an adequate pride is enough.

I guess…

III

I was not able to post here in my blog for the past couple of days. Why? I usually post here when I do other things, and I just don’t go bloggin’ if this is the only thing that I’ll do. Besides, this is summertime, and there is not much use of the Internet for me. Another fact that since its summer, my primary responsibility (or the place that I must primarily be in) is here in my home, where I’m staying in this time of the year; doing chores and looking after the house since our helper’s gone home. She wouldn’t be back till the end of summer, so that means that I am this house’s nanny for the summer. That’s fine with me, I got used to it.

Ever since vacation began, most of its time is spent here inside the house. I rarely have the chance to go outside, and even if I do, I only do so during the evening, when I already have a replacement adult inside the house. The heck, I first thought: “Kung kelan pa bakasyon at nagpapakasaya ako sa labas, saka pa ako nakulong dito sa bahay!” But then again, who says that staying at home is such a bad thing? Yah, I know, I like going out even if I have no reason to (reflects in my skin color, isn’t it?)

So, my sincere apologies to the commitments I can’t respond to, responsibilities I can’t attend to, people I can’t meet, and the like. I am not as free as you, but I’m not complaining.

Peace out!

IV

Am I still being myself?

Have I gone too far?

Am I still the person who other people thought I am?

Have I changed relatively?

Am I still holding back?

Have I repressed myself for so long?

Am I still lying?

Have I kept the truth all along?