A BELATED POST

A few days back, my girlfriend and I are into our 1 year and 1 month being together. And just yesterday, my Ate Paloy (from the States) congratulated me for that wonderful feat. She was telling me that I sure was blessed, more than lucky, for having such a girlfriend as her. Thanks Ate…I just hope you’re here to know her.

I owe the success of our relationship (so far) more to her, and I never fail to see that she’s doing everything that she can for us. Honestly, I am acting like a jerk at many times, but she’s always there to knock some sense out of me (which is good, thanks baby).

I love her so much! :*

(Well, that one may be short, she knows the rest…and that’s what matters)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

It has been again quite some time since I had the change to write (or type) my thoughts here. I owe it to the fact that I was somehow busy minding about what’s going to happen a few months from now…the moment of truth for philosophy students, that is. I was busy preparing my reviewers and everything related to it, that I never had the chance to sit and think about everything that’s happening in me, outside of me, and everything in between.

At the start of the school year, I decided to move out from the dormitory where I used to live for two years, for reasons that are most unpractical for me. Though I moved to a place a little far from the school, I enjoy those afternoon walks going back there and having little chances for exercise.

I somehow pity myself that I a left now with only 6 units to complete (minus the thesis), but that would be all taken care of in due time. There is one thing that I am sure of; I’m going to graduate this school year, no matter what.
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I just realized more that no matter how hard I try to talk to people and suggest on how they carry on with their problems, all I can do is such. As its term suggest means, that’s all that I can do. I may be able to influence people, but that is all that there is to it. They still have the decision all for themselves.

I am not saying that I want to control their lives. There are just times that I believe that I know what’s best, and I’m trying to prevent whatever bad that may come…I am just concerned. I am so fed up in seeing people close to my heart getting hurt over and over again. If I could just take it all in myself…I would gladly do so.

I never really believed in superstitions, but one struck me. Our house-helper noticed a mole on my shoulder, and told me, “Kawawa ka naman kuya, pasan mo ang mundo”. Maybe I do…

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I’ve always tried to look at the positive points in life that is in front of me. But I do not disillusion myself to the point that I choose not to see the rest. I am honestly getting myself in the line of hurt for many times so that I could prevent others from feeling it as well. Maybe I have this talent of seeing all possible consequences of me and other’s decisions, and I try to decide on all of them before they even come. I try to keep a smiling face and a happy attitude in front of others so that they won’t feel pity for me.

In this short life of mine, I just want people to remember me as someone who, “loves not much but well”.

Losing “Friends”

“Hindi ako manhid at hindi rin ako tanga para hindi ko maramdaman and nangyayaring sa paligid ko“.

I never had the luxury of friends, I know. Ever since I was a kid, I just had a handful, and this handful even fades away, one after the other. Yes, I have a lot of friends, in its general term. However, for those people who remain true to what a friend really is…they’re just a few.

From my former home in Muntinlupa, the only people I can really call friends until now are not more than equivalent to all the number of the fingers in my hands.

From my former companions in the seminary, where I spent 7 years of my life, almost everyone completely forgot that I exist.

From my friends at my religious community, do they still remember me?

And from where I am now, can someone please tell me?

I can’t blame them. And I choose not to. Maybe it’s my fault too. Or rather, I believe that it’s partly my fault why I’m losing them. But I won’t admit to such nonsense that spoke of that I’m pushing people away.

I find it weird that I have a lot of friends in sites such as Friendster or Multiply. But are they, really, my friends? Maybe, some of them were…How about right now?

Questions in my head, some of them, popped out like: “Is it because that I’m not with you anymore, that you treat me like a stranger?” or “Is it because that we had crossed each other out that we’re both not open to mend?” But one of the things that I am asking myself right now is, “Do they really see me as a friend, or someone/something else?”

I try to reach out as best as I can, but right now, I am hesitating if what I’m doing still has of any worth. I want, and try, to connect once more to the people that I had been with, to be a friend once more to them.

I cannot stand alone. And I choose not to.

This may be my weakness, but I accept it.

Before, That Day, and on the Same Day

What Came Before…

Before I share almost everything that transpired during my birthday, here’s what happened a few days before:

May 16-17: Almost all members of the family, minus my brother, went to Laguna (my father’s province) to celebrate my grandmother’s 90^th birthday. My father, along with some other relatives, made this as a surprise to our grandmother. When we arrived, I was surprised that someone from the extended family made a tarpaulin of my grandmother (actually, just her face) with a younger body, set in a beach (wow! my grandmother in a bikini? my deceased grandfather might wake up from the dead and dress her upJ) Anyway, only about half of the whole clan came, considering it was a Friday, but the party was great. I was tasked to take the video of the whole thing, much to the enjoyment of one of my cousins who wants me to take a picture of her with the town’s parish priest (what?! anyway, just let it be )

After the celebration ended around 9 in the evening, it was time for some fun for the big boys. There were two groups: the “old” and the “not so old”. I joined the latter and started drinking and singing (with the videoke) the night away. We ended at around 2 in the morning of the next day, with me still sober and wanting more. Anyways, with everyone asleep, there’s no fun in it. My family left Laguna for home before lunchtime.

May 17-18: We arrived a little before 1 in the afternoon and took our lunch at home. After we had rested for about two hours, we left again for Batangas. This is to remember my grandfather in my mother side’s passing away a year ago. Nothing much happened the night we arrived there, but it was sure crowded the next day, especially since my relatives also decided to have a reunion of their clan at the same time. Of course, I was still given the task to be the videographer of all that happened there. We left before dinner and arrived home at around 9 in the evening.

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My Birthday, as well as…

May 19: I woke up early in the morning, though I slept late the night before (my girlfriend was the first one to greet me for this special day at around 12 midnight…THANKS BABY!) Anyway, considering that it was Monday, I decided to have a little celebration at dinnertime, when everyone’s home already. My sister is going to work, while my parents went on leave from work to rest….A little fast-forward to 3 in the afternoon (why? you’ll know), I came back home and rested for a while, then ordered pancit palabok for dinnertime. I thought there would be no cake but we ended up with two for the night: one was from my mother, and the other came from my sister’s boyfriend (thank you…thank you). I was quite sad that my girlfriend was not there for dinner (why again? you’ll know…read on). It was a simple dinner with the family, but I believe it quite catches up to the definition of celebration. I want to thank everyone who remembered me on my birthday. I know I don’t have the luxury of friends, but I know that I have those who are up to the real meaning of a friend.

Here’s a quick rundown of everyone (besides my family) who greeted me on my birthday, in order (as a sign of gratitude):

Through text message:

My Baby Joan (my girlfriend…the one and only)

Cybill (a very good friend way back elementary)

Lalaine (childhood friend, schoolmate back in elementary)

Ate Shadow (My Baby Joan’s sister-in-law)

Ate Irma (my cousin from Laguna)

Ate Ivy (my cousin from Batangas)

Angeline (also a very good friend way back elementary)

Patricia/ Trixie (a very good friend in the youth ministry)

Coycoy (another cousin from Laguna)

Ate Rhoda (still my cousin from Laguna)

Alfred (my best buddy from Muntinlupa, also a schoolmate from elementary)

Tita Shirley (my tita from Batangas)

Jenny (good friend from the youth ministry)

Fatima (my friend from Batangas)

Through the Internet (Friendster, Multiply, YM):

Aldin (my former classmate from the seminary)

Ate May (my cousin from Laguna)

Yahweh (my classmate from elementary)

Bro. Jomar (my friend from Don Bosco)

Sr. Gener (my former superior in the Student Council)

Naiza (my buddy and former boss in the Student Council)

D.A. and Vic (friends from the youth ministry)

Ate Jaisa (my ate in the youth ministry)

Again, thanks a lot guys and gals for remembering…and making it more special for me. My prayers for all of you.

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Me and My Girlfriend’s First Anniversary

The same day, May 19: Considering that my girlfriend would be having her finals the next day, she made and I accepted her decision not to come at my house for dinner with the family. She needs to study, I know. Anyway, with my birthday comes our first year anniversary. Still, I thank the Lord for making us strong and faithful to each other for all this time. We both pray for everything that we need to have successful individual and shared lives.

I was touched most by how she shared even a little time of that day for me. She asked me if we can go out for a while to celebrate. I accepted her suggestion, and we went to SM Southmall. She was with me when I bought a present to myself (a laptop backpack). She was somehow sorry that she wasn’t able to give me something, but I told her that everything’s fine…her presence and ever-growing love for me was more than enough. We window-shopped to look for shoes that she would buy the next time we go there, and ate lunch at Tokyo Tokyo. We also had fun with arcades at Tom’s World (our favorite pastime at Southmall) and came back home a little before 2 in the afternoon. I stayed there for a while. Before I left, my girlfriend handed over an envelope to me, and read the letter inside it on the way home. Yes, we still write letters to each other. With that, I can say that that letter completed my day…even before it actually ended.

To my dearest girlfriend, Joan:

A year had passed since the moment we came to be closer and more intimate with each other…and I am looking forward to spending and living my life with you. Whatever happens…happens. As long as we’re together, I think everything’s going to be fine. We may have problems along the way, but we’ll manage. I may have said so many things, but this, I hope you’ll always feel and remember: I LOVE YOU. How much? How long? Just let me prove it to you.