After a Long Time

When was the last time that I had the chance to sit down by myself and think?

Why is it that when I am already relatively free from my academic responsibilities that I have the least time to stop and have some time to be aware of what’s happening around me, and moreover, within me?

Is it because that I am making myself available to others more than I give myself my availability?

Is it because that I am just being lazy, knowing that I have more time to give myself some slacking off?

Maybe I am just taking a rest. For quite some time, I am so concerned of others around me that I end up almost without any time for myself. I find it hard within me to give myself, or what I can do, to someone in need. Sometimes I end up asking, “is it because I had enough of the feeling of being rejected, that I wish not to be the subject inflicting or the object inflicted with it?” or “is it just because I choose to do it, since I do not have much to do?”

But honestly speaking, I feel that there are people who just take advantage of my present condition. Sometimes, it just can’t be helped. Though I know the difference of doing something voluntarily and being asked/forced to do something, I sometimes end up being a “forced volunteer”. How? Live my life…you’ll see.

This is just describing how I feel. I am not complaining.